Gone With The Gin

Nowadays… there are very few cowards in this world… especially when courage can be bought over the counter in the nearest pawn shop… in the form of a pistol.

That’s where I purchased my firearms… all five or six of them. Then I took the next step that most people don’t bother to take. I got a license to carry them.

Yes, I’m licensed to carry a concealed weapon. And I do so on a daily basis.

In my line of business, a handgun is absolutely necessary… as both protection and a deterrent. Would-be bad actors tend to think twice about starting some “shit” when they know that you’re liable to “pop a cap” in their ass.

On the other hand, you always have to be mindful that when Smith & Wesson made your handgun… they didn’t stop making 'em. The guy you're aiming at might have a gun, too. You just have to remember the law and make it a good shoot. Be first! And fire away!

My own personal rule of thumb when it comes to pulling my weapon is... stay away from Never, Never Land.

NEVER pull out a weapon you don’t intend to use. It’s just bad business. It creates an instant grudge... a motive to kill YOU later.

And NEVER fire your weapon into a crowd. Let the bad guy get away, if you have to. But never risk shooting into a crowd of people… and possibly killing or maiming someone who has done little more than be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After all, if you’re a business owner, it’s not only your responsibility to protect yourself… but it’s also your responsibility to ensure the safety of the people in your establishment.

All this talk of guns and Never, Never Land brings back to mind a gun-play a customer made one night... in MY bar... on MY watch. Not a good idea. So not a good idea.

Usually, in the evenings in our bar, all of the fellas get off from their real jobs and hang out… drink a few beers… go-in-on a couple of half-pints of liquor… shoot some pool… listen to the music bumping out of the jukebox or even play a hand or two of cards. This was their daily ritual to wind down from their workday. But occasionally, somebody has a little too much to drink and causes a problem. This is exactly what happened this particular night.

Everyone knows that this guy, Eddie, can’t handle his liquor. He didn’t sip his liquor. He simply turned the bottle up and guzzled it. Makers Mark, Early Times, Seagrams Gin... it didn’t matter to Eddie. He just opened his mouth and swallowed.

Eddie… a bricklayer… was medium build and wore what we call a Quaker’s beard. When he's sober, he’s a real nice guy. But when he’s drunk, he could aggravate the hell out of anybody… Mother Teresa… Pope John the 3:16th! It didn’t matter to him.

Hell... Eddie would have probably made Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., forget all about nonviolence. Dr. King's Mountaintop Speech would've went something like this: “I just want you to know tonight, that I’ve been to the mountaintop… and I believe I’m going to have to knock the hell out of Eddie… if he don’t stop messing with me tonight. Yes, I do.” And with that said, Dr. King would've “let freedom ring”... right up-side Eddie’s head.

That’s just how annoying Eddie could be.

On this night, Eddie’s target was Clarence.

Clarence drove a truck for the Goodwill Thrift Store on Broadway. He got a lot of his clothes there. And when he wore his turtleneck sweaters and black leather jacket… you couldn’t tell him that he didn’t look like Richard Roundtree in the movie Shaft.

Clarence even pimped when he walked… like Shaft... big and bad. But unlike Shaft, his courage only spanned the distance between him and the trunk of his car… where he kept his pistol. Every time he got mad at someone… he’d march out to the trunk of his car and come back to the disagreement with his pistol in his pocket.

Having chosen Clarence to annoy, Eddie taunted him, saying, "Hey, Clarence... It's 90 degrees outdoors. Why in the hell are you wearing that hot-ass turtleneck? Who you supposed to be? Shaft? You look like Oh, Henry. You melting, mother fucker... like chocolate! Take that hot-ass shit off!"

Clarence warned Eddie several times to leave him alone. But Eddie… bug-eyed and drunk… would apologize... wait a few minutes... and start right up again... following Clarence all over the place taunting him… to everyone’s amusement.

"Shaft! You a bad mother-(shut-your-mouth)," Eddie continued, singing the theme song from the original Shaft movie. “He’s a complicated man. And nobody understands him but his MAMA (because he ain’t got no woman).”

That was the last straw!

Clarence jumped up in Eddie's face and yelled, “I ain’t nobody to be played with!” Then he invited Eddie to come outside to fight him.

Eddie said, mockingly, “Come on. Let’s go, Superfly!”

Eddie marched behind Clarence toward the door. But when Clarence stomped through the door, down the steps and onto the sidewalk, Eddie stopped just inside of the door… and slammed the door shut.

Everyone… myself included… busted out in laughter. Clarence, now even angrier than before, marched to the trunk of his car to retrieve his courage (his pistol) and returned to the door of the bar.

Now… Eddie had already been shot once… in the leg… right outside of my bar… years ago… by my step-brother, Burt, Jr. I wasn’t about to let it happen again. So, when Clarence pushed the door open to summon Eddie to step outside, I urged Clarence to just let it go.

Ignoring my advice, Clarence warned Eddie, “Naw, you had all of that mouth a minute ago. Don’t let me have to come in there and get you!”

That’s when I intercepted the back-and-forth, calmly explaining, “Clarence, I know that you went and got your gun out of your trunk. So, just chill out… because if you step through that door, I’m gonna have to shoot you.”

That just seemed to piss Clarence off even more. Here I was threatening to shoot HIM… when everyone in the bar knew Eddie started this whole mess. But Eddie was unarmed.

So, when Clarence ignored my warning and started through the door, I seasoned my third warning with a little pepper, saying, “Man, I'll blow your long, lanky ass right back out that door if you take ONE - MORE - STEP! I mean it, Clarence! Don't try me! You'll be laying out there on the ground… with your eyes fixed on heaven and your ass bound for hell.”

Then I turned sideways and stared at Clarence like a gunslinger… as if I was ready for him to make his move… adding once more, “Now... is this REALLY what you want?”

Clarence froze, staring over at where I stood behind the bar. My hands weren’t visible from where he stood in the threshold of the door. What he had to figure out was whether my gun was already drawn… and whether I would pull the trigger if it was.

The scene was tense. Everything and everybody was still… while we stared each other down. It was Clarence's move to make.

Suddenly, Eddie broke the tense silence... yelling out at Clarence, “Don’t do it, Shaft! This ain't no movie! HER gun got REAL bullets in it!”

Everyone erupted into laughter… even Clarence. That’s when he realized that Eddie was just being Eddie.

Clarence disappeared out of the doorway to put his pistol back into the trunk of his car. A few minutes later, he reappeared in the doorway... offering his apologies and asking my permission to come back inside to buy a beer.

As I motioned for Clarence to come back in, I warned him that he had "NO MORE TIMES" to make a gun-play in MY presence. That's when Eddie threw a crumpled-up $5-bill on the bar in front of me and told me to give Clarence a half-pint of Seagrams Gin… on him.

No apologies were exchanged between the two men as they took turns drinking gin straight out of the bottle. There was an unspoken understanding that their disagreement was over. And the hard feelings seemed to vanish… right along with the gin in that bottle.

The rhythm of this blue note is: The best way to deal with an annoying drunk is to not feed into his folly. He’s already making a fool of himself. Don’t let him make a fool out of you, too.